For twelve years I had stood at a pulpit on Sunday mornings and proclaimed that our significance and value comes primarily from the Lord, and not from what we do. Yes, we can feel good about our performance, but God even loves us when we are unable to produce, and even when we “fail.” This truth was a source of comfort to me, and I had seen it bring freedom to others as well.
Then in 2002, Stage IV metastatic melanoma would severely test my grasp on this truth. The cancer and treatments stripped all of my strength. I tried to rise from my “unproductive state” through faith and positive thinking. Yet I was too weak to deliver a sermon. Heck, I couldn’t even get out of bed. I explained to the Lord that this was a colossal waste of time. I was not getting anything done. How could I make a difference lying flat on my back? Ahhh, the teacher needed to practice what he preached. I realized that my lack of productivity bothered me far too much. My identity, sense of self-worth, and self-esteem had become attached to my level of production. I even felt like a burden to my caretakers, to my incredibly supportive wife, Terri, and to my very understanding church. I thought I was wasting their time too.
The Lord broke through all of my noise, and reassured me that I was deeply loved by Him, even if I never helped another person again. In an inaudible voice, in a kind of whisper in my spirit, I heard Him say, “You are right in the center of my will right now, and I love you so much.” At first, it was difficult to receive such love with no strings attached, but today I am more liberated from my job and my sense of “success”. Now I know His affirming love for me, even when I’m at my absolute weakest.
So if your battles have rendered you helpless, remember your value is not tied to your production. He loves you, right now, more than you can ever imagine. So get busy… simply accepting His amazing love. I am grateful His ways are not our ways, and our suffering is never in vain.
